Akatsuki on Life, Death and Sex
by Seriously Cracked
Summary: Finally! The Akatsuki answer the tough questions about life, death and sex. What is the meaning of life? Why do we die? And does Itachi like it rough of not?Seriously, this needs major therapy.
1. Itachi's Delimma

**Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto**

**Dedication: Eleni, Dessie, Stitch and sporks! Oh ye-s! Sporks rule!**

**PS: We are seriously in need of therapy.**

* * *

_Q: Akatsuki, I am not gay. But everyone thinks I'm gay. Help!_

_A: Simple! Just pretend that you are!_

* * *

Uchiha Itachi, the not so tall, evil (okay, he wasn't that evil), big brother of Uchiha Sasuke (who is nothing more than an angst driven sixteen-year-old high school washout), is not gay.

Even though he likes to keep his hair long and paint his nail pretty colors, even though the standard issue Akatsuki color is black and oh yeah, black. How creative.

But for all of those that don't know, Itachi isn't gay.

He had a girlfriend.

Yes, a girlfriend.

A pretty little thing by the name of Inuzuka Hana.

The "lover" he supposedly killed was a very annoying fangirl. That's it. It wasn't his girlfriend (or as some want to believe, his boyfriend. Eeew! He's not gay!), his real girlfriend is alive and well in Konoha.

But he can't tell anyone he's not gay. Especially the annoying partner Leader-sama stuck him with as a fucking partner. "Are you sure you aren't gay?" Kisame asked for the what, umpteenth time?

Itachi twitched something terrible. "Yes. I am not gay," Itachi forced out through clenched teeth. _Damn! Why do people keep thinking I'm gay! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not! Damn it! And I'm flailing like a two-year-old! Fuck! I'm not gay!_ Itachi thought, his left eye twitching wildly. Why did everyone assumed he was gay?

Was it because he just happened to like his hair long? Because it allowed his parents to tell the difference between him and Sasuke?

Itachi froze at the memories. Those horrible memories! The worse memories in the history of people remembering things! Oh! Gods! He felt it coming! No! Anything but that!

* * *

_Fuck, flashback. Ick. _

_"Sasu…oh! Itachi!" Mikoto smiled. Itachi twitched. How could his mother mistake him for his little brother!? It wasn't possible! Hell, he didn't even look anything like Sasuke! Don't you think your own mother would know her own children? His name didn't even start with an S it started with an I! AN I! I people, I! Not an S! And it meant weasel! Not help/assistance! Sheesh. _

_"What Mother?" the Uchiha heir asked. _

_"Could you do the dishes for me?" Mikoto asked. Itachi guess this was when he thought his life would be so much better without the clan._

* * *

"Dude are you alright?" Kisame asked, shaking Itachi. Itachi glowered at Kisame and the shark-nin took his hand away and inched back slowly.

"Do not touch me! If you have a dick! Don't touch me!" Itachi growled only to cackle insanely. "Unless you want to be trapped in Tsukuyomi for the rest of your life!"

Kisame gulped and took one giant step away from the Uchiha. "It's the gay issue again, isn't it?" Kisame asked.

"Damn it! I'm not gay! Why do you all think I'm gay!?" Itachi shouted.

"Uhm…I don't," Kisame said.

"You do too! Don't lie about it! I know you think I'm gay! I know!" Itachi allowed his eyes to shift to their Mangekyou state. "I see everything! My eyes are all seeing and I'm—FUCK! WHO PUT A WALL RIGHT HERE! DAMN IT!" Itachi rubbed his face. "Kisame can you help me home?" he asked, dramatic anime tears rolling down his face.

Kisame sighed. "Sure, why not," the shark-nin grabbed the Uchiha and dragged him back to the Akatsuki HQ.

Many moons passed, and NO jinchuuriki were captured during that time period. Which has caused Leader-sama to have an ulcer, which isn't really pleasant and Konan-sama has been giving him his medicine. Even though in reality, Leader-sama is a zombie. But, anyways, Itachi had yet to figure out a fool proof method to solving "the Gay Issue".

"Itachi-sempai!" Tobi just had to glomp the Uchiha.

"What. Do. You. Want. Tobi?" Itachi growled.

"Wanna pick flowers with me?"

Itachi felt his evilness drop a few points at the request. Damn it! He was evil! E-V-I-L! As in a bad guy! As in the guy that killed his entire clan! And psychologically tortured his brother (which was rather good fun. Allowed Itachi to get back at all those times Sasuke bothered him when he was trying to sneak out to see Hana! Annoying little brat!)

"Ne, Itachi-sempai?" Tobi asked.

Hell, Itachi felt his manly ego die a lot. "Okay, I'll go flower picking with you," Itachi sighed.

"YAY!" Tobi squeezed the Uchiha's shoulders before dragging him off to the nearby flower field.

After the cheery venture into the flower field, where Itachi died a lot inside; he came back to HQ with a bouquet of pretty, pretty flowers in hand.

"Itachi! About time you came out of the closet," Hidan shouted, bloodied from sacrificing his latest whore, I mean sacrifice, no I think I mean prostitute, no definitely his sacrifice, no I'm sure of it this time I mean slut, no sacrifice, sacrifice is good.

"That's it!" Itachi tossed the flowers down and marched off to his room, slamming his door shut behind him. Music suddenly blared from his room. Hidan blinked.

"Is that…the Spice Girls?" Hidan blinked. Tobi wailed, causing the Jashin worshipper to look at the orange masked ninja. "Tobi, what the fuck?"

"Itachi-sempai didn't like his flowers!" Tobi wailed. Hidan shook his head. "Do you want the flowers Hidan-sempai?" Tobi asked, holding up the wilted bouquet of flowers.

"Hell no!" Hidan walked off muttering to himself. Tobi sniffled before curling up into a ball in his Emo Corner. Which is so totally real. Believe it!

A few hours later Itachi slowly inched out of his room, and was glad to see that everyone was gone. Wait, scratch that, no, they weren't. Well…fuck. Zetsu was there and he would surely report to Madara about Itachi picking flowers with Tobi. Fuck. Now everyone would assume even more so that he was gay. Damn, there had to be a way out of this.

Just then, Deidara happened to walk by whistling. Itachi grabbed him and dragged him into the common room. "What the fuck Uchiha, hm!? Let go of me or I'll blow you to bits, yeah!" Deidara shouted. Itachi dropped him in front of everyone, his ego and evilness now dead; he grabbed the blond bomber and kissed him.

Not just a quick let's press our lips together, kiss.

No.

This was a full-blown French kiss.

Everyone was staring at Deidara and Itachi. "Yay! Deidara-sempai has a boyfriend!" Tobi shouted, hyper as a jack rabbit on drugs.

Slowly, Itachi pulled away and stared into Deidara's blue eyes, (cue the shojo sparkles people!) a blush coloring both of their cheeks.

"Itachi…I…I never knew," Deidara tenderly stroked Itachi's cheek. "I love you, too," Deidara leaned in for another kiss.

Itachi's eyes grew wide. "I have to go to the bathroom," he muttered and ran off, leaving Deidara in a pleasant daze (see! There are shojo sparkles around Deidara!)

Itachi mean while was off puking in the toilet. "Well fuck, at least the rumors will stop," he muttered before vomiting again.

* * *

**And so ends chapter one. **

**BAWHAHAAHAAAAHAAA! I was laughing so hard at the Deidara/Itachi part! So, hard I couldn't write! Bahahahahaaaa!**

**I think this needs some form of therapy. **

**Truly yours,**

**Seriously Cracked**


	2. Hidan's Guide to Socializing

**Naruto (c) Masashi Kishimoto**

**Dedication: Stitch, Dessie, and a bunch of other random people we've met in our lives. Guys, thank you for dealing with our insanity.**

**PS: Inky would like to point out that the thrash is totally DJ's fault because she's argueing over music too much with Dessie.**

* * *

_Q: Nobody at school likes to play with me; they say I'm weird and that I'm a freak and a monster. How do I get them to like me? Or at least get them to stop picking on me? _

_A: I'm going to fucking kill Pein for making me fucking do this fucking Q&A shit…oh, just bite them. _

* * *

"Hidan-sempai!" Tobi shouted running through the Akatsuki HQ (its top secret but it's really the tallest biggest building in Amegakure, its not _that_ hard to miss, but you…aren't suppose to know that) like a squirrel on speed. He rounded a corner to see Itachi and Deidara making out. "Itachi-sempai, Deidara-sempai! Have you seen Hidan-sempai!?" Tobi shouted extremely loud, like SpongeBob when he's jellyfishing.

Deidara pulled away from Itachi, both of their lips kiss-swollen. Itachi looked extremely relieved (damn it! He wasn't gay!) and Deidara looked extremely annoyed.

"Tobi, scram before I shove a bomb up your ass and blow you to bits!" Deidara shouted, unaware that Itachi was slowly trying to slip away, Tobi stared at them, his orange mask like a giant juicy orange flavored lollipop. Oh, Deidara just wanted to lick it. Like it like he licked Itachi's erect manhood. The former Iwa-nin shuddered in desire.

"But I just wanted to know where Hidan-sempai is!" Tobi flailed, like a jackrabbit on drugs.

"He's doing a sacrifice," Deidara frowned, "I think," he added.

"Thank you, Deidara-sempai!" Tobi ran off towards Hidan sacrifice room.

Deidara turned to Itachi who was almost free from the gay psycho-bomber. "Oh, you aren't getting away from me, you naughty, naughty weasel!" Deidara grinned manically.

Tobi looked at Hidan's door. It had countless bumper stickers; do not enter signs, nuclear hazard signs, biohazard signs, and various other stuff. Ignoring everything on the door Tobi knocked on it. "HIDAN-SEMPAI!" Tobi shouted. Hidan swore loudly and yanked the door open. He was shirtless and bloodied, cause he had just finished a sacrifice.

"What do you want? I'm trying to listen to Slayer, here!" Hidan snarled. Tobi held open his arms.

"I want to give you a hug!" Tobi said brightly.

There was a five seconds of silence, before Hidan slammed the door in his face. Tobi blinked. "HIDAN-SEMPAI! HIDAN-SEMPAI!" Tobi opened the door to see Hidan playing the air guitar to the music. "HIDAN-SEMPAI!" Tobi shouted and glomped Hidan.

"Fuck Tobi! Leave me the fuck alone!" Hidan bit the masked ninja. Tobi screamed and let go of the Jashinist and ran out of the room. Hidan smirked and cackled as he continued to jam to the music.

* * *

**And there is more crack from us!**

**So? In honor of Itachi, you can write in a question you would like the Akatsuki to answer! Make sure to have your question and which Akatsuki member you want to answer the question. Team Hebi can be a subjected to this too, since they were briefly associated with Akatsuki. **

**Anyways, enjoy! I hope you laughed your ass off! Cause I enjoyed to do this too. **

**R'n'R**

**Seriously Crack**


End file.
